Who am I? I am His.

Words for Suzanne, my dear friend who carries so much.

Who am I? I am His.

I am a daughter, a sister.

I cannot express my gratitude

For I am bound inside a body

That doesn’t work as the world would have it.

You are my mother. You held me when I was born,

So grateful to finally have a child.

A daughter. A beautiful daughter.

And when you discovered I was bound,

Bound inside a body that would never let me express my love for you,

You loved me anyway.

You held me, soothed me.

You taught me to become

As independent as I could possibly be.

Sometimes you regretted teaching me

To walk, to run, to open doors.

But that regret was fleeting.

My Savior suffered all.

He knows my suffering, for he carried it in Gethsemane.

He knows your pain, mother, for he suffers it with you.

You are His.  You are a daughter.

One day, you and I shall sit together on lovely garden bench

And I shall tell you of my gratitude.

I was hungry, you fed me.

I was thirsty, you gave me drink.

I was naked, you clothed me. Again, and again.

Jesus Christ said, “In as much as ye have done this unto the least of these,

Ye have done it unto me.”

You are the pure example of Christ like love.

Open your heart, dear sister.

Let Him in, for he has given you a gift

Far greater than you can imagine.

He will carry you when you cannot walk another step.

Camille -- 24 Hour Sunshine

Serving God

A copy of a talk I gave today in church:

When I was little girl, about 10 years old, my mother became very ill and was hospitalized.  I didn’t know it at the time, but she nearly died.  When she went to the hospital, I was left to care for my 3 brothers, ages 12, 7 and 6 and my sister age 2.  I’m sure I was not left alone very long, but it was long enough that I had already established a plan of how the care of my brothers and sisters would happen, how I would prepare meals and feed them all and how the house would be kept clean. 

The Relief Society arrived at some point.  My guess was that it truly was not more than 2 or 3 hours from when my mother had left.  I was doing the dishes when they arrived and they whisked in and began to take over my “household”. I became very angry (I had quite a temper back then) and yelled at them to “Get out!”  “I’m taking care of everyone just fine”, I told them.  “I don’t need your help.”  But being the sweet women they were and wanting anxiously to serve my mother, whom they loved dearly, they did not listen to me and continued to fix dinner, set the table, do the dishes, feed the little kids and get everyone ready for bed.  I stormed  to my room in a huff and did not come down when dinner was ready, or for any other reason.

The Relief Society sisters left that evening, when Donna McDaniel arrived.  Donna was not quite old enough for Relief Society, yet she already knew all there was to know about serving a ten year old high strung girl.  She was 16 and had been my babysitter and friend for years. She came into my room, where I unloaded all the injustices about these women coming in uninvited when I was doing just fine.  Donna let me finish, then asked what I thought needed to be done next.  We made a plan together and she stayed at our house for the next several days until my mother was home from the hospital.

Fast forward 25 years later, when I was a young mother of three little boys, ages 6, 4 and 1.  Troy and I had been put in charge of planning and carrying out a large stake youth conference. On the Sunday before the youth conference, we met a final time with the youth committee.  At the end of the meeting, one of the girls named Stacey Gardner (age 16) asked me if there was anything thing else she could do to help me.  I told her no, that I just needed to get my house clean before we left so that the babysitter would have a clean house.  About 2 days before the conference, Troy was out of town and  I was feeling completely overwhelmed with all the last minute tasks I needed to complete, along with taking care of the boys (not to mention that I was 4 months pregnant…) I remember praying and asking Heavenly Father to bless me to be able to accomplish everything and clean my house.  Later that day, there was a knock at the door.  I opened the door to find this girl Stacey and about 8 other youth.  “We are here to clean your house,” they said.  My tears flowed. They cleaned the house, mowed the yard and entertained 3 boys while I completed the final tasks for the youth conference. 

I often reflect on these two experiences and other experiences where I was served by someone.  I don’t fully understand why I was so against the Relief Society coming into my house at the age of 10. Maybe it was because they did not ask me what needed to be done, but just took over, assuming because I was ten I couldn’t do anything.  Sometimes I  wonder if that is how I serve, taking over what needs to be done without asking what really needs to be done.  Always, a meal is welcome, but does the person I am serving need time to talk?  Do they really need something else that I am not offering?

Jesus Christ taught in the New Testament that “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment.”

How do we love the Lord with all our heart, souls and minds?  I loved the admonition at our Regional Conference last week, where the speaker said the “Primary” answers are always the answers, but they are so much more.  Pray, Attend Church, Read the Scriptures. We pray with “real intent” and “with all the energy of our hearts”.  We attend church to renew sacred and important covenants each week as we strive to become like our Heavenly Father.  We feast upon the words of Christ, which tell us all things that we should do.  

Another way we show our love to Heavenly Father is by service.  Let’s look at the story in the New Testament in John, chapter 21.  The Savior had just been resurrected.  He went to the shores of the Sea of Galilee, where he saw Peter and some fisherman as they fished off the shore of Galilee. He called out to them and asked if they were having any success.  They said no, and He told them to cast their nets on the other side. They did and then drew in the nets, overflowing with fish.  Afterward, as they dined on the fish, The Savior said to Peter, “Son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these?” (Meaning all the fish they had just caught.)  “Lovest thou me more than these?” They were poor.  They could take the fish and sell them.. for money, do something with them. 

Peter said, “Thou knowest that I love thee.” And the Savior said to Peter, “Feed my lambs.”

Then the second time, the Savior said to Peter, “Lovest thou me?” and Peter then was grieved because the Savior had asked him the second time, and the Savior said, “Feed my sheep.”

Then the third time He asked him, “Lovest thou me?... Feed my sheep.”

Elder David B Haight asked:  “What are we doing [to feed His sheep]? How do we demonstrate to the Savior the love we have for Him?  Wouldn’t it be through our obedience and through our service and what we do with the time that we have?”  (Elder David B Haight, Love and Service, April, 1999).

And how do we serve God?  The scripture in Mosiah 2:17 gives exact instructions: “When ye are in the service of your fellow men, ye are only in the service of your God.”  We serve God by serving each other.  Loving each other.  Looking out for each others and understanding what needs to be done.  We build and support each other as we each face trials and difficult times in our lives. We look beyond our families and friends and ward members.  We look out to the world and ask “What can I do?” And we do it.

What are we doing to “Feed His Sheep?” There was a video on social media a few years ago.  I think it was called “Look up.”  It showed people walking, heads down, looking at their screens, their phones.  I loved the message “Look up”.  Look around you.  Smile at a stranger.  Speak to someone you don’t know.  Look up.  Look around.  Ask Heavenly Father to help you change your thoughts, feelings and actions so that they will reflect your love for Him and His son.

As a young girl, my father was mostly inactive. He had many other issues that we could not see at the time.  He did not attend my Merrie Miss Daddy Daughter nights.  He couldn’t escort me in the Junior Miss Pageant, when all the other girls had Daddy’s that did.  But there were amazing Christ-like people in my little branch who stepped up. One family friend became my father for the evening for the Daddy Daughter event.  Other men helped my brothers in their activities and sports.  My uncle Brent became a second father to me, always counseling me to have a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  Although my father’s inactivity was a huge burden to my mother and a trial to my family, we were blessed by the service of others.

How do we help others endure their trials and feel the love of Jesus Christ in their lives? Elder Eyring said in October 2012, We can make that “possible by being slow to judge those going through trials. Most people carrying heavy loads begin to doubt themselves and their own worth. We lighten their loads as we are patient with their weaknesses and celebrate whatever goodness we can see in them. The Lord does that. And we could follow His example—He the greatest nurturer of all.” (Elder Eyring, The Caregiver, October 2012)

I saw a post the other day that said “Getting rid of the negative people in your life is the first step to loving yourself.” If I had shut my father out of my life, how would I have ever grown in my own testimony of the Savior, the atonement and charity?  The real first step to loving your self is seeing yourself through the Saviors eyes and then seeing others through His eyes.

And when we see others through the eyes of the Savior, then we have reached charity.  Then we feel the Lords love surround us as we lift and bless our family members, friends, co-workers and strangers.

No wonder the first and greatest commandment to love God with all our hearts, minds and mights is immediately followed by the second.

“And the second is like unto it.  Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

President Uchtdorf said, “Those who wholeheartedly turn their lives over to the Savior and serve God and fellowman discover a richness and fullness to life that the selfish and egotistic will never experience.”  (Uchtdorf, Are You Sleeping Through the Restoration”, April 2014).

We are the people of God.  Our purpose in life is to learn to become like him.  What better way to learn that lesson, than by serving others with our heart, mind and strength?  As we   serve, our hearts are opened and changed and we learn how it is that God continues to love and serve us despite our weaknesses and shortcomings. We learn to love as God loves.

I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and that through him, we can change.  We can become perfected (finished) even as our Father in Heaven is.  

YW The Musical

My daughters are so talented.  The wrote this skit for New Beginnings, directed it and acted in it.

Click on the Link below so you can watch it.

YW The Musical

What's Currently in My Head

A few days ago, someone shared a news story of a kid in England who played online video games and met someone online who eventually killed him.  Then, the person who shared this story posted, "This is why there will never be video games or anything like it in my house."

Now, while this news story is tragic and while I commend the young mother for wanting to protect her little family, I have a little issue with the statement "This is why there will never be video games or anything like it in my house."

It's mostly the statement "NEVER".  Maybe it's just me.  "NEVER" has blown up in my face all the time, but here it is.  I said, "We will never have a TV."  Then my mom gave us an old black and white one... then she gave us her old colored one... then we bought one.  On the bright side, we've "NEVER" had more than 2 TV's in our house.  Oh, take that back.  We had three.  But the kids NEVER had one in their bedrooms.  Oh, wait, take that back.  Dallin bought a TV at a yardsale and put it in his bedroom.

I said, "We will never have video games in our house."  Except at Thanksgiving, we would rent a Nintendo and a couple of games (Goldeneye was the boy's favorite.)  And the boys had Gameboys. And the boys wanted an Xbox.  So the boys saved their own money and bought themselves an Xbox. But they NEVER played any games that were rated higher than E10.  Except that when they became teenagers, they could rent the T games.  But we NEVER had any M games in our house.  Until someone snuck one in (Robbie... or Dallin...).  When we found out, we banned the game.  For a while, til it came back.  Then we banned it again.  And again.  Heck, over Christmas Halo came in the house again.  What the heck.

I said, "We will NEVER have a cat in the house."  Guess what.  We now have two.  And I'm allergic. But about 6 years ago, Fleas got cold in the winter.  And she came in and played on the bed in the office until she warmed up and then she went back out side.  She did this for days, then weeks, until summer.  But the next winter it started again.  Now Fleas is 11 years old.  She likes to be in Jordon's room.  She doesn't go outside much.  She has a litter box in the garage.  Then my husband thought it would be a great idea to get a kitty for Charli and Cami and Cadie.  That's cat #2.  I'm hoping she will migrate to being an outdoor cat when winter is over.

In the end, it's probably good that we had a TV, so that we could teach the kids to be picky about what they watch.  They aren't perfect, but they have the foundation, which will serve them the rest of their lives.  And getting an Xbox turned out OK.  The boys learned lessons about hard work, responsibility and making good choices in games.  Apparently, the still have a hard time respecting our rules, but they have a foundation and they will get it one day, right.  And the cat helps my girls be responsible and gives companionship to the lonely.

And by the way, I have NEVER smoked a cigarette or touched a sip of alcohol. (Except that one time we were in Hawaii and ordered virgin Pina Colada's... which were not virgin, if you know what I mean.)

"If I'd known... I might've done more..."

Last night, Troy and I went to see "Concussion", a movie based on the work of Dr. Bennet Omalu, a doctor who challenged the NFL on concussions and traumatic brain injury in players of football. In the movie, the disease is named Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE. It was a good movie, and would definitely be worth watching if you have a child playing football.

One line from the movie really bothered  me though. An estranged wife of one of the former players who had died from CTE (suicide) said, "If I'd known he had CTE, I might have done more to help him..."  The player had shown violence, heavy drinking, mood swings, anger.  The former football player eventually committed suicide.  All of this is characteristic of CTE.  But it is also characteristic of mental illness in general.

On the outside, we have been conditioned to believe that someone who has it all (money, fame and fortune) and then starts "going crazy", with unjust anger towards those he loves, mood swings and violence has just "lost it".  The fame (or as in the cases of former football players, the lack of fame) has gone to their head.  We might say "mental illness", but because it comes on so unexpectedly, we might not even think it is really any type of mental illness.  And so we marvel at their path of self-destruction and pat ourselves on the back that we would never go down that path.

And truthfully, we do this with all types of mental illness.  We don't understand it.  We don't know what to do with it.  We think of the homeless... "They should just get a job."  We think of the violent..."They watched too many video games.  We think of those who commit suicide...  "They had so much going for them... why on earth would they have done that?"

I guess that is what bothers me so much about the line in the movie.  "If I'd known it was CTE, I might have done more to help him..."  Because you thought he was mentally ill, you ran away? You didn't try to understand?  You didn't try to help him?  I get that this is a movie, and I don't know that his wife actually even said those words, but isn't that what often happens?   When we get a diagnosis, we feel like there is a cure.  But guess what, there isn't a cure for CTE and there was nothing else anyone could have done for those struggling with it but love them and try to understand them. Instead, the wife left him and he became homeless and crazy on the streets.

And that's how it is with mental illnesses.  There isn't a "cure". You can medicate some symptoms.  But you can't make it go away.  Did you know that when people commit suicide, often they sincerely and deeply feel that the world will be better off with out them.  They aren't thinking about how much it will hurt a family member.  They aren't trying to hurt us.  They only believe that the world would be better off if they weren't there.

I just think that we as a people need to do a better job at understanding all mental illnesses.  I know (first hand) how difficult it is to live with someone struggling with a mental illness.  I know how difficult it is to find help.  The runaround from therapists and doctors.  Or from the person themselves, who don't want to believe anything is wrong with them.

This was a great series of articles in USA Today regarding the treatment of the mentally ill:
http://www.usatoday.com/longform/news/nation/2014/05/12/mental-health-system-crisis/7746535/

I don't know how to finish this...  My heart breaks for those who have family members in the middle of a struggle with any type of mental illness.  Where does this fit in Heavenly Father's plan for us?  Why are there not more answers?

My only advice?  Love them for who they are.  Learn who they are.  Learn how their brains function. Try to understand their point of view and how they view the points around them.  It's ok to be angry at dumb choices, but don't let that anger define you or your relationship with the mentally ill.  Use your energy to advocate for better and more accessible services.

That's it.  That's my thought.